Spasms

New Solutions Work Old Problems

2005-11-01T02:20:00.000-08:00

Call me dysfunctional, call me unstable, narcissistic, rebellious; take your pick . I'm not really listening to you. Two years ago I began some impossible quest to try to find ways to make the world a better place. However, during the time I tried to find fault with the entire world after much self- reflection on myself first, idealistic crabs like me should realise the world's going down into hell and there's not a thing I can do about it.
Recently I read in the papers about schoolgirls sleeping around (they call it 'freelance'), in order to get money to satisfy their materialistic needs, probably to buy things their parents either can't afford, or won't buy for them. Its so damn clear that money will be the next God, and the economy becomes our future religion. Its pretty simple. It gets us what we want directly and instantly, which is what causes satisfaction.
Anyhow, if any of you girls are reading this, don't take what I say to heart, I know you're only fulfilling some mindless needs spurred by your stupidity and adolescent nature. I just had an initial shock because I never knew anyone would get that desperate, that young. Oh well, nothing new anymore, worse shit is happening.
So what changed us?? What made us value money so much as our ONLY source to get what we want in life? Bloody image issues. That's what. To the people at www.campaignforrealbeauty.com, don't waste your time. You don't really think that people actually are going to feel better long-term are you? The website is just an escape route for them. You're never really going to reach into the deepest part of their insecurity because basically you're providing them instant escape. Its a short-term relief, not long-term assurance. Besides, when they finally go back into the real world, people are STILL going to give them shit for the way they look or whatever flaws they have. But is it really an ISSUE in the first place? Who gives a shit about perfect skin and perfect hair and perfect bodies? In the end, they all go. So to all insecure people, don't waste your time fretting. No point. In the end, those sickly thin models will get skinnier and eventually die of malnutrition. If that helps, because it seems to be what the men look for.
Ah fuck it its a bloody public holiday and I was working this afternoon. Believe that. Hehe. Cheers.

And So The Wind Blows...

2005-10-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

I reckon in a few days' time I'm about to go nuts with this whole unecessary business of jealousy, or whatever you want to call it. Childish, extremely. Babie says it shouldn't affect me, although it does for some reason I can't really put my finger on. Which is strange enough. But I will be strong. I have to be. Its not everyday my babie can put up with my attitude regarding this matter.
I think she's not even any good compared to me. (you realise i'm trying to convince myself.) But its kind of true, owing to her rather bimbotic and carefree personality, she could never reach my level of existence. Besides, I know it so well because I used to live my life just like that.
Anyhow, enough of useless talk, now to look forward to our future...Jade Liang Yan Zi...heehee... :p Nice name...Well to me its nice...babie thought it was lovely too :) If its a boy, he'll be Randall Liang Zhi Yi...I'm so excited!! :p Can't wait for that day to come!! And 7 more months!!!! R.O.M...It is meant to be...after 7 years of barely talking somehow we just ended up back together...away from our past. Nobody matters to me except you babie...no other guy in this world will ever be better than you because you are the best leng zhai...*mwah* Stay safe in field camp and see you soon okay? :)
Office is warm for some reason though its pouring outside... :/ I brought a sweater for nothing...but the damn sweater's for winter so I guess there never was any reason to lug it along. However, I find the air-con in this office so damn pernicious...the cold creeps up when you least expect it....maybe more like insiduous...then you freeze your arse off and curse. However, when you're clothed up it just so happens to acclimatise to the complete opposite of what you're dressed for.
Babie I swear I won't be so hateful or violent anymore...all I have to do is surround myself with good things...and good people... :)

Sins and Sonnets

2005-10-20T23:32:00.000-07:00

Play. Play with the monstrocities of life. Aka Humans. We are freaked out by ourselves. Shivering, we search for cover from our own enemies. OURSELVES. One man's meat is another man's poison. So speaking in terms of love. The curse that we are left to live out, whatever way we choose to, for the rest of our sad sorry lives. We churn in anger, hatred, selfishness, narcissism; and so the vicious cycle begins.
We cause our own destructions, our own pornography we deem as inappropriate, but we do it everyday. We deface fame, but we secretly desire it. Then regret it. Desire leads to regret. Regret leads to the only conversation a person has before he dies.
We write poems of lost love and suicidal dreams. Why dream when you can make it happen. The world has lost its colour. Beneath the facade of power suits, ferraris and six zeros, lies an array of dark, broken dreams. The ones who didn't make it. The ones who didn't try. The ones who gave up halfway because they just couldn't handle the shock of reality. How cruel we are.

Darkness engulfs the world in its graces. We'd be dead if not for God's mercy. If there is a God. Atheists are equally entitled to their own opinion, as dumb as it may be. Usually it is dumb. To me, they're just a bunch of people using their anti-God lifestyle as an excuse to be assholes. But time will tell when the world starts to bite itself on the tail.

BrainBanger

2005-10-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

I crawl into that little space, to grasp that breath of air;
I run into that dark place, in hope that you are there.
I scream inside my heart till its windows burst,
I take this journey tho' nothing will quench my thirst.

Seethering into this lonely heart,
Is a passion that has been made dark;
GET OUT YOU DEMONS OF IMPURITY.
I receive all who encourage chastity.

Kill me. I AM WILLING TO JUMP.

Goddamnit.

2005-10-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Do you actually know everytime our anniversary comes about, I dread it. Its not because I don't want to talk about it or fake that I'm over all that stuff. Please. It would be a miracle if I could stop associating things with that shit in the first place. Dr Lam says the past few months have been utter hell, one shit after the other, I don't have enough time to recuperate so I have enough energy and strength for the next one. I didn't believe him, thought it was some psychological horseshit. But in time, I realised he was right. Nobody's superhuman. Different people respond differently to different things.
Anyhow, thankfully I got my life sort of back on track...just went for the interview at the Police H.Q...the first word that came out of my mouth when I saw the place was "fwah". I was dumbfounded, staring at the immense most intimidating structure. Awe-struck. "I'm going into THERE to do WHAT?" Was the next question.I had a ciggy, and for that particular few moments of puffing my life away, I began to question why was I there in the first place. "You can back out now, shan. Quick. Stay, or walk away. There's no middle of the fence here." I went. Amazingly it was really okay. Sure, there was a sort of half hour of waiting and boredom, but every practice in there was new to me. Then there was this part about choosing what you prefer, like T.P, or PCG, or K-9...I opted for K-9. Totally up for shi tzus and chihuahuas. *right* I might get into the academy next year because they're shifting to CCK, so perhaps after I send my angel off I can hitch a ride from mum. Best part is, I get to learn driving too. :P SWEEET!
Right...a rather feeble attempt at trying to get my mind off the subject....really tempted to take the car out for a spin...ease my minId a little...but I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risk...I dunno...its safer here. Besides, angel would be pissed if I took the car out and its like...hey we're back to square 1. Its not that the anniversary date is super important...but I really HATE sharing....I really cannot forgive myself for being stupid enough to choose the 22nd...nobody told me...at least it wouldn't hurt so bad if someone said something...About the stuff toys and all that shit too...woudn't have hurt so much...*BTW don't feel too proud you shit if you're reading this...fucking bimbo.* I'm just angry, more frustrated I guess. I really try to control it, but its over the top...sometimes it needs to be released...but how? Definitely not venting it on anyone. I swear I try to be kind and all...but at times I wish you wouldn't take me like some superbeing...and know that you're at fault as well...although I never have the heart to blame you, much less tell it to your face...please realise this...if you haven't I hope you do...I need you to see me, angel. SEE me. Not hear, but listen...when I'm invisible..like how I see you...would be nice I guess.
I have to stop thinking about death, or subconsciously I might find myself committing suicide....I don't know...Angel, I don't mean to sound too dramatic, but everything still HURTS LIKE HELL. I need proper closure...and the way you spoke to her....still haunts me...haunts me like crazy....plus the nightmares of my boys....the crying and the screaming and the pain....
Then again, its my own fight, from another perspective. How things turn out depends on how I choose to handle certain situations....but th thing is now I have absolutely NO solution at this point. None whatsover. Blocking it at the back of my mind will NOT help. NOT AT ALL. It will only require ONE cue to bring everything back. Why do you think I'm so vulgar, so angry...? At times? Why am I so hateful? *tears* Goth kids rock. We show pain the way its never been shown before. Fuck it, going for a drive.

Decide...Deicide..Diecide...

2005-10-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

Come hither, my love, as we venture forth,
Walk quickly, but gently, as I show you pure waters..
Woe will be mine if thou hast not seen the sun shine;

Fly higher, my sweet, as we glide among the stars,
Fall softly, but surely, onto the cotton clouds,
As we journey upon some treacherous path called LOVE;

Lies and deceit, all years of wrong are gone,
The agony of betrayal, eternally forlorn,
Consecrate us now, look forth to a new beginning;

Everyday is but a start, every minute legendary,
Shall we seek out the purest emotion only thought imaginary?
With hope we will discover so.

2005-10-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What Element Are You?

2005-10-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy

Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself
But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing
You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier
A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room!

How Sexy Is Your Vibe?

2005-10-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique
Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off
What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

Your Love Factor is 80%

You Are Totally In Love!

This is it, the real thing.
You are completely in love with your man.
And he's probably completely in love with you too.
Sit back and relax - you made it!
How In Love Are You? Take This Quiz :-)
Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Saints and Devils

2005-10-13T02:10:00.000-07:00

Throw away the keys of shame,
Step into the mirror frame;
Conjure not the past despair,
Les thy depression takes thee there;

Open up thy heart and mind,
If thou seeketh thou shalt find;
Infinite surreality,
In the face of immorality;

Stringent in the moral phase,
Careful of thy face disgraced;
Heed the warnings of your heart,
Lest the conformation start;

Hold dear what you believe is true,
Play not with what is dark and blue;
Hold on with amiable disposition,
Question not your own requisition.

Vengeful Sorrows, Hellish Dreams

2005-10-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

Selfish natured narcissistic fools,
Stay to their self-centeredness true;
Gone in a flash when trouble arises,
Linger when love, with incentives comprises;
Condemned to live in eternal want,
So has the vicious cycle begun;
The urge to euphemise what falseness this holds,
To weaken the strong, to shatter the bold;

How will I get around this animosity?
Off the beaten path, how will the world see me?
Some say idealistic, some say unfair;
That I saw the trap to the Devil's lair...

I miss you! My heart aches with every breath,
Wherever you are, I feel your every pain and joy;
I love you tirelessly, and even more after death;
Innocence quietly seeps into my heart ...
Darkness overwhelms when we are apart...
Hold me close...

Good Stuff

2005-10-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

Hehe...I found this by chance on the forums...check this out...wicked shite..

--> Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife .................................................................................................................................................................... Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the TOTO for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Infinite Lethargy

2005-10-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

So softly, you stroke my hair,
So gently, you stare;
So subtle, your touch,
So intense, so much.

So pristine, is your heart,
So near, yet so far apart,
So happy, yet so sad,
So sane, yet so mad;

So loyal, yet so free,
So blind, yet I see;
So tired, but I run,
So finished, but just begun;

So old, yet so young,
So hoarse, but my song is sung;
So weak, but yet standing strong,
So destroyed, I don't belong.

As the sun hits the sea,
Open your eyes and you'll see me,
Overtly passive, insanely pure,
Loveth thee forevermore.

The Mistaken

2005-10-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

My love is like the flaw of man,
The ultimate humiliation, the utter shame;
My love is like the Devil's voice,
That gestures, beckons, and calls your name;

My love is like the silver bow,
That whose arrow released hits you on the brow;
My love is all that is dark and menacing,
The final graffiti, the ultimate defacing;

My love solemnly breathes destruction,
It idles and lacks consistency;
My love for one thing sees a constant reduction,
It knows no rules, no proficiency;

Yet this is how mistaken fools,
Who wade in wait in jealous pools,
See my undying affections for you,
For what is thought false, is but true.

I savour your flaws like I savour the sun,
I love you as though the end has just begun,
I cherish you like a gentle embrace,
I understand and I know your face;

My love is the sun that never sets,
My heart is rid of all regrets;
I am misunderstood but you see me,
I am cold to the touch, but you feel me;
I am silent to hear but you heard my cries,
I am confident and strong, but you penetrated my disguise,
I am steadfast but you saw the dilemmas I face,
I am capable but you know my real place;
Subtle, still, and pristine is our truth,
Strong, powerful, is our affection;
Such that I expose myself, unafraid,
To venture into chaos without prior protection.

The Ailment To A Broken Soul

2005-10-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Still here...back at square one once more. Never questioned the Truth of my thoughts this deep. *shoulder aching* My feelings, nobody will ever know, and I don't want anyone to know, especially those I love and care about, because my tears are theirs, and I only want my smiles to be theirs to share. Exhaustingly I still believe in love and peace, despite the chaos around me. Look up into the skies and find the sunshine. One day you'll see it, even if its not today, live another day because maybe tomorrow will be your day. Never stop hoping. Even if I stop, don't you dare. Even if I go, don't you go. Even if I live, you must live and dare to dream. I am but a zombie, you are the colour and life.

Si Traeh Eht Erehw Si Emoh

2005-10-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

Asphyxiated, withdrawn, numb once again,
Chained, worthless, murdered, the familiar pain;
Searing heat engulfs my mind,
As I question once more the 'good and kind';

Screwming in my heart tho' nobody shall hear,
Learning to loathe the things that I fear;
Is this the end once more? The start of the line,
Its sheer irony and sinister laughter encased in my mind;

Helpless once more I endure vicious stares,
Over what we both know requires repair;
I am the tears you shed, the thorn in your side,
I am the dissatisfaction, all you do not abide;

You have twisted me, turned me into stone,
You have stood beside me, and yet I still feel alone;
You have darkened me, as I stand with clenched fists,
You abhor me whenever I try to resist.

Your best friend is one that does not feel,
You world is something that is not real;
Yet I see not what you see and honour all that you do not,
I pray, that your lack of self-worth, I hope you forgot.

"We focus on what we lack, therefore causing the thing called 'want'. By focusing on what we already have, we are decreasing that want, and therefore seek the Higher Truth."

Phew

2005-10-10T03:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, Shanshan, to the air-conditioned comforts of the office....updating my blog and answering to endless 'Aunt Agony' threads in Sgforums is a daily routine now whenever I'm here...Orientation today was super fun, at least more fun than I expected..but I'm pretty lethargic now, although the experience of the Carlsberg Sky Tower and the Merlion was quite unforgettable. I was thinking, while walking through the 'Images of Singapore' (another must-see), we really came a long way, and judging from the fact that I just might be serving the RSAF soon, I need to foster a little but more respect for this country. Seriously. I mean, those fuckers who laugh during national anthem or take the national parade as some joke, I'm gonna be protecting these idiots in times of war. Pampered idiots who only beg the government for protection in times of trouble, and at other times, laugh at it. Not that I'm some super nationalist, but at least have some respect on the ground you're stepping on. Lots of people suffered and died for what this place is today. I don't train hard and long in the damn sun to be laughed at. :/
Anyhow, seeing that the future is yet unknown, *sigh* for now I'm in a sort of a heaven. I'm in a nice office with tons of nice people, and they talk to everybody with cheshire cat smiles. That's the shit I'm talking about. The grace, the politeness, the happiness. *Jurgen Vries kicks ass man*
Yes, today is the day I'm moving home to stay with mum again. I have no idea what tonight will be like...but at least I know it won't be too shitty. Maybe we will work out our differences in time to come, maybe not, but as long as we're family, I guess it is relatively essential to stick together, unless we've come to a point where we're nothing but bad news for each other. Lots of psychological and emotional damage to mend indeed. And I don't want to break my promise to dad to take care of mum.
Just had my daily dose of caffeine and tobacco, quite satisfied, and about to head home to BB first to pack up the last of my stuff. I bought 2 rings from the Butterfly park's souvenir store...fantastic deal, two iridiscent metal rings for $2. I had the cheek to ask for staff discount. It just sort of came out. *smack* I'm so super cheap. :/ Shit.
Every damn path after an attraction conveniently leads to the souvenir store of the particular attraction. ALWAYS. The temptation is overwhelming. I have to stop buying shit I don't need. But the rings were a damn good deal. They were cheap anyway. hehehehehe.
Anyhow, I better shut up, got to head home to pack up...will update tonight on how things are. Wish me luck, and I can only thank the big ol' man in the skies for giving me the opportunity to mend my ways and to be accepted once again by my mum who has certainly taken alot of shit from me.

*~*Just be thankful and all will be given.*~*

Thoughts III

2005-10-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm at home...bumming...talking to Yixian and Rod on msn...*hahaha Rod you twit I cannot believe you dislocated your shoulder trying to get your pillow...what the suay luck lo...* to Yixian: Your present will come!! :p
Anyhow, just had a long day, quite pleasant to say the least.. grabbed some extremely mature reason from Butters in South Park, one of the episodes, I think its called 'Raisins'. When Butters broke up, he felt so sad and he actually said something that made sense...like the sadness he feels only happened because he felt really happy at one point...so its a happy sort of sad. Fwah. If my kids said that I would have been so proud...at the age of nine, too.
I'm moving home today...(its 12:27am...so yeah...) I have mixed feelings, but can't say I don't want to be home...home is still where the heart is. Besides, I don't want to trouble dear's parents and all...
I did alot of thinking today. I'm currently reading this book called
"Conversations with God, Part I" Its a fantastic book. I bought it, left it on the shelf for about 5 years, and finally decided to make use of the money i spent on it. Check this part out:: "Words are merely utterances: noises that stand for feelings, thoughts, and experiences. They are not Truth. They are not the real thing.":: Pretty damn logical, if you ask me, although I wouldn't encourage readers to delve too deep into it. Just take it like a philosophical perspective from a man who was lucky enough to talk to God. (We'll give him the benefit of the doubt here.)
*sigh* Another day tomorrow in Sentosa stuck with some Singapore Poly interns for orientation...I'd frankly rather stay in the office...air-conditioned, peaceful and at least I can talk to someone there. But hey, I get paid to while away the hours with those people so what the heck...tag along..
Currently now extremely busy with my work and doing some of my own reading on the planes and all that...at first it really is hard because all that jargon and the stuff you have to remember is really gibberish to me, however I have to do it. And I absolutely HATE saying the phrase "I have no choice." Because everyone does, and its a matter of whether you want to set your heart to getting things done well or just procrastinate until you get to the last minute and if you fail (which you sure as hell most likely will), you regret it and the regret is super unecessary. I mean people have to start learning from their experiences and stop thinking that everyday is given and just go on making the same old mistakes over and over. Its damn irritating. Not that I'm perfect or anything, but you know, please man. Stop whining about your troubles, especially the ones you totally brought upon yourself. Pick up and move on, no matter how hard it is. God put you on earth to make mistakes and LEARN, not just make mistakes. You'll never get anywhere if you just sit down and cry over spilt milk.
Sorry...maybe I'm just tired...rambling on and on about the world...A dose of Russell Peters can really do everyone some good. That guy is the funniest moron I have ever seen. Comedians are really brave to an extent, making a complete ass out of themselves to make other people laugh...its like the ultimate sacrifice. *laughter*
Oh well...I better get to bed...work tomorrow....super early...aarrghhh...Good night...

Thoughts II

2005-10-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yes. You can probably guess I'm in the office AGAIN. Yes. Bumming for a bit but I have heaps of paperwork which I'll tend to after this...
I met Shu last night, we talked about the usual girly stuff...and went on to this really interesting question: "would anyone remember kindness?" Hypothetically speaking, of course. The gears in my mind were rusty, so I gave her a pretty crappy answer, but you know me, I usually take a week or so for the best answer or rebuttal to pop into my head. Usually by then its too late to answer. Spoiler. *Btw shu thank you so much for the lovely coffee bean sweets...life-saver* ;)
Anyhow, it seems now I have to move home because mum gave me this extremely sadistic ultimatum. Its complete rubbish to me, but maybe I'm not in a position to say that. I've only been a mum for 5 months...barely hanging on too. I miss my boys alot. Might ring Dr Sidek to make another appointment to see him in case there's some complications with my womb or some funny thing like that. *these sweets go super well with coffee*
Ah...one fine day, someone a long time ago told me, the truth will set you free. I never believed it. But now, I am freer than I was 6 or 7 years back. Thanks. I still remember you well. I still miss my dad alot, somehow even though its been what, nearly over 3 years, I still think heaps of people look like dad. From different angles of course. But the more I miss him, I think the harder I should work towards something better. Its more like some weird Buddhist thing in channelling all the negative energy into some positive thing...read that somewhere...
I just got an email from the intranet in my office...got to go for orientation on Monday...i don't think visiting the attractions in Sentosa with a heap of other S.P interns is super fun. I bet they all know each other and I'm stuck in the corner trying to socialise. Oh screw socialising, its for despos.
Okay, I better get back to work now...will update in a bit...mucho amore

WOooooOOOOOoo

2005-10-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in the office now...totally bumming because I'm one of the earliest dumbells...Dear dear was kind enough to drop me off before heading to Changi...Poor dear has to book in AGAIN...his wound doesn't look very good because I believe it is beginning to swell like crazy, and some weird yellowish milky stuff is apparently leaking...But it should be a pretty normal thing since he has stitches...Oh well, I'm pretty worried but as long as he doesn't become careless with that arm then its gonna be all good. :)
Moving home pretty soon, got mum to get me a therapist so I can finally face some personal demons I've been dying to exterminate for a helluva long time. Been neglecting the arcade and the movies lately, well, goes for being broke and stupid. But hey, whatever makes me happy yea.
I'm so happy I downloaded the whole episode of Russell Peters...that guy kicks asian ass. Hah! Anyhow, going for a smoke now...will be right back to update!!!

SchMellos

2005-10-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

*I don't breathe*. :/ No play. DEAR!!! AAAhhhhh. *Beep*! Ba bla! Ba Blu! poopie.

GOD!!!

2005-09-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!! STOP IT!!!

2005-09-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts...

2005-09-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

Hmm..today was pretty cool...I didn't stall in my practical lessons which was fantastic because my instructor was really nice...*thank God for that*..but I tell you some instructors can be so kuai lan. But judging from some hopeless cases they inevitably have to deal with everyday I suppose they get away with it...
I don't doubt anything at the moment, maybe I just lack confidence in myself. I get too harsh on myself sometimes, and Lipter warned me not to get too self-critical because that's channelling my personality into the wrong direction...He's right to an extent, actually. No. Actually he's completely right.
Anyhow, the Air Force rang up today while I was stoning in BBDC...waited two godamn hours for the lessons, thought it started at 2:05pm but I somehow missed the '1' in front. $16.80 poof! Gone, just like that. Oh what the heck. This nice lady on the line asked me if I was still interested in the pilot application. Thought they overlooked that because seriously women don't really hold the reputation of being as able as men to handle equipment, let alone a bloody fighter jet worth millions of dollars travelling at what...mach 2? But hell, in a way I don't believe that we cannot learn and master something if we really want it. I still have the other option, which is the police academy, either way I'll be shoved up the arse of the Government, which is both good and bad. But anyhow, its a job. Proud to serve the country here and there.
Speaking of Singapore, you know it gets rather depressing that people actually sometimes bitch so much about the Government. Sure they do radical things in certain perspectives like the sudden rise in GST and all that financial nonsense, but frankly (other than the shitty weather) I'd rather be here than anywhere else. But anyhow, I'm not totally nationalistic but at times it is vital to try to appreciate what the Government has done. Although...I must admit at times the cons exceed the pros. Anyhow, that's that about the Government, don't want to get sued or some funny stunt like that.
Of late, I'm experiencing many changes, like others around me. I won't say who. But some are making me squirm in my seat. But then again, I might be too sensitive...I check my phone everyday and re-read the lovely messages sent to me...but in the end they don't really mean anything because nothing stated in the messages is actually happening. But then again as well, I don't expect much anyway. The higher your expectations, sometimes the more likely you are to be disappointed. But I have faith. However at times it does wane with the circumstances, and it does falter, naturally, because the response received triggers doubt and a little bewilderment. But I won't go in depth, no need to do that...I think eventually time will tell. I think the only honest thing is time. Time will tell. But ironically its the one thing we can never rely on.
Ah well screw it, tomorrow's another day, going to head out to paint the town red with Gugu...hopefully my craving for ciggies has gone down by tom...I resisted like siao today, but its alright...getting the hang of it but the craving still drives me bonkers at times. Oh well...hanging in there and spreading the friendship and love and annoying philosophy....
Signing off....

Ultimatum

2005-09-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Its now 2:53am...dear is asleep and looks very content :) What a lucky boy...he now has a spanking new ride too...if he gets the hang of it I believe he can do amazing things with it...even the license plate is pretty nice too...(I should start buying 4-D...) *sigh*
I must be really really really really pms-ing...I'm so comfortable and happy living at dear's home with his parents and just being comfortable and resty and nobody to yell at me and tell me I'm an accident etc...seriously I believe in this environment a heart attack is impossible, whereas in my home its MORE than an everyday risk, for the young or old. WHAT is there to control or rush or perfectionise? I'm petrified. Going home is like boot camp. Might as well stay outside...if its too troublesome for dear's mom to take care of me, I'd rather camp outside...drink drain water and eat mud than go home.On the outside, I may appear extremely rebellious and all that sort of negative crap people see me as...but inside I'm just godamn petrified. I'm scared to death. You guys want to know WHY when you think you know alot about me, I don't seem to be listening to you much?Because you don't happen to have spent enough time with me alone to find out who I really am? And frankly I'd rather NOT spend time with judgmental people right now. Tell me I've changed but you can't tell me the changes, just place me on some disgustingly old guilt trip and worse of all, USE my dad's name as YOUR alibi to make me feel even worse? Did you think I wasn't going to fight back just because you can get aggressive? Believe me, I will be twice more. IF you push all the right buttons, which for now you almost have.
I'm not afraid of humans, I'm pretty certain I could smash a person black and blue. But its their minds that scare the shit out of me. What they're scheming, what they're capable of...everyone is always scheming, I was taught. Nobody gets success from pure kindness and love. So I grow up being taught moral values that disappear after what, school? Then we blame the poor kids for being unable to take the rude shock in the so-called 'real world'. STOP wrapping shit in gold man...seriously...either that or stop wrapping gold in shit...I don't know what is what right now but if I find out its the complete opposite of what everyone has been telling me then well...fuck yous all. I'm really sick of this. I don't take a couple of DAYS to recover. This can take years, or months, depending, and I'm already braving tons of crap from yous all. Ugh. I think I'm tired. Thank God for blogspot, the place to take a psychological crap.

:)

2005-09-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well well...looks like darling is bald, tired and extremely grouchy today... :P Ah who could blame him? Incessant knocks on the door since 9am...Poor thing he's so tired...but he's gotten pretty strong and somewhat resembles a Belgium chocolate...his arms are dark but his legs are fair...*snuckles* Well he does deserve to sleep! Army boys are supposed to come back to Singapore to sleep and eat something else other than rice and chicken...damn Tekong lacks creativity. But dear has made some good friends so oh well...I suppose everything is alright in there :)
Anyhow its 10:29am now, time for crapping, just had a ciggy but can't seem to get the poop out...maybe it needs to be accompanied by some good strong coffee...although I doubt the daily doses of caffeine and nicotine are doing my body more good than harm...We had a lovely time talking last night, me and dear...went to Lipter's and sat down and exchanged our stories over the two weeks of missing each other and having our own little adventures and making our new friends...I'm glad he's fitting in and I missed him terribly...however at first when I first saw him all I had in my mind were question marks. Yea, I saw alot of Jing Boons, alot of Kens and alot of Marks get off the bus from Tekong...(everyone looks the same man), and when dear popped out behind us, I was like..wow...what in the name of bubbles happened to you babe...you look good. I was speechless then, because I had no idea what on earth to say. The feeling was like 'Hey, its been two weeks of not really talking or seeing you...how's it goin'?' Hehehehe...but its something I don't mind getting used to....it certainly keeps the relationship going, and us missing each other too. Melissa told me about the curse of the N.S...babe you are so funny da...hehehehe...but these kind of things do happen even to the closest of couples so we must never avoid probably circumstances, but the importance is the mindset of the couple, on whether they want to persevere despite the situation or just go with the thinking that the relationship is doomed anyway. The former will definitely prevail. In most cases, that is.
With regards to the issue of the ex, as far as I'm concerned after what she said to me, well she can take her bimbotic little princessy-prissy attitude elsewhere.

2005-09-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Gratefulness

2005-09-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

One thing we all fail to have is gratitude. Seriously. Everyday we gripe about how crappy our hair looks, how crumpled our clothes are or how we had to drive our wasted buddies home last night and your best friend threw up all over your brand new Armani top. I admit, I myself have this problem of focusing more on what I lack rather than what I already have. Humans these days are getting more agitated and less content and satisfied. We always want more, more, MORE! We fail to draw the line. Common human error.
However, I have taken to writing down a few things I'm grateful for everyday, and surprisingly you'll find the list grows everyday. No kidding. It may sound like some idealistic meticulous philosophical scam thought up by pot-smoking hippies rocking to New Order at Woodstock. But it caters to our own personal fulfilment, whatever that pleases us, or brings a smile to our faces. For instance, I'm thankful today I met Lipter and Jay and the rest, had a conversation about our good Lord and I had the privilege to view some of Jay's art works, which were fantastic. I also had (as usual) the amazingly refreshing cup of coffee I so desperately need (only if its riddled with great company and friends). I even brought my folio over to doodle.
See, its a hectic shitty life full of stress and tight arsed bosses that want nothing more than to chain you up and suck your resources dry, then when you're exhausted and all wrinkled they go to the highest floor of a building (if its your office building, its a goddamn irony), and when they kick you off, they giggle their asses off. Basically. But beyond the psycho managers, the endless number of shrinks you seem to be seeing for almost everything, and the pressure of upkeeping your physique and image for the rest of the world, there lies a human. That's all you have to understand. You're only human. We can't live without sunshine. Likewise our brains can't live long with incessant pessimism. We must allow the light to shine through. Most of the working adults I know gripe about nothing more than work, which is understandable because that's their life now. But does it have to be your WHOLE life? Sure, it pays the bills and provides for the whining 3 year-old at home, but we cannot give much if we receive little. I'm not speaking in terms of material gifts, although the same principle pretty much applies.
Don't give me the bullshit about keeping yourself happy by indulging in activities like sleeping around and boozing and all that nonsense. Sure, we do it, but we don't use it as an excuse. "I'll sleep with ten people this week because I had a paycut of ten percent. Its a fantastic remedy at de-stressing!" If any of my friends ever said that sort of rubbish to me I would simply wave them off. Seriously. My past wasn't perfect but it doesn't mean I can't protect my friends. Besides, I'm different now.You hear me buddies?? I will slap you one time. Hah!
Oh well...thankfully Mel's gonna loan me the nokia cable so I can fill this empty blog up with lots and lots of pictures....I am so narcissistic I cannot believe myself. Oh well...time to sign off...I'm super sleepy and in dire need of a shower right now. Cheers.

Changes

2005-09-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

**Me and Shu at Starbucks, H.V**
Some people said I've changed. I used to be moreopen, truthful,simple, beautiful. I can't see the changes...maybe that's when the change is really the biggest. Mum said I'm more calm though. I sit and think alot these days...are they really that bad...am I really that bad now...Shu prayed with me last right...for everyone, for the world, for love and peace. I'm closer to God now, but far from, ironically, a good person in the eyes of the people who care about me. I took them for granted. In so saying.........no more self-pity....I just told mum about La Selle school...and she was more than supportive at first but pulled back suddenly...looks like I have to hold two jobs or something to see myself through school...well whatever it takes. I guess.
I have to start from scratch now...I was so stupid to think that I was actually capable of something great in life. Now I realise I just follow the path everyone takes. Less trouble. Less humiliation. Less fights. It hurts.

Her Fight

2005-09-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Why should she stand up in self-defense? Whilst the court just sits down and points their fingers. Her life is penetrated too easily; she let them in, and now they refuse to get out. They don't spare her that last little bit of respect nor dignity, and the whole world lughs while she withstands their ridicule, alone.
Like a retired court-jester searching for a comeback at any price, a miracle sp desperately desired inside her heart. She lies not, she simply says nothing; Yet the world says she deceives...only when she tries to protect her privacy.
She places her heart in her own hands. No longer will she trust someone with that again. She has no one to believe in, and no one to believe in her. Her shoulders ache and crack from the heavy burdens that punish her for being who she is.
Her only angel and truth, she lost; misdirected, misaimed, undestined to follow the norms of society; her sighs melt into mourning wails of despair, everyone has changed...i don't know what for.
She wants to end her arduous journey. Her heart is crushed because although she can live life and have the same goals as everyone else, it is not likely that she would ever go on that way. I go off the beaten path.

Burdens

2005-09-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

**Thus another day past and gone...9 more days till darling books out of camp...very excited to know that he's very happy in there, meeting many amazing people like how I am at Lipter's...I met this beautiful soul today, also Alicia, and when she talked to me I sensed so much hurt, pain and exhaustion in her. What she told me almost left me in tears because I understood all she was going through...thankfully she told me, her hopes all lie in her only son...and he's beyond the most adorable cutest little devil I've ever seen...*sigh* more and more people in the world are getting exhausted, being cheated on, lied to, and exploited...and I hope her surgery goes well tomorrow too...Poor babe...
Oh anyhow...I just received this picture...that's me, Shu and Melissa at Starbucks at Plaza Sing...we three go way back and I love them both very much...they're like the sisters I never had...not to mention SIBLINGS...*laughter* Ah well...at least you know, we keep each other safe in a crazy world...and the world has definitely gone somewhat insane...I spoke to Lipter just before the cafe closed...and we both agreed that in this world there are assholes that will never change no matter what, but I believe that everyone deserves second chances, and also that at one point of their lives they will realise how screwed up they are and change for the better. I did, and getting there slowly but steadily, and the sheer joy of knowing one is on the right path really does make you want to take off and soar...and its all thanks to the experiences in my life and the friends that came and gone...I have regrets but I cannot possibly halt at one point and keep feeling shitty now can I...we all take precarious paths in life and sometimes we fall...but as humans sooner or later we'll realise how important it is to respect other people and stop judging. Oh well...I think I'm getting sleepy...I notice this is pure gibberish...oh anyhow my heart runs away with my head...Nite nite...

A Little Enlightenment

2005-09-12T02:33:00.000-07:00

Finally suddenly I feel an energetic lift-off in the most lethargic sense...I feel like I can fly...Also, I was so saddened to hear that from my friend yesterday. I will not judge you though. But I wish you would realise that if everyone thought like you, we would be filling up the very last gap of human flaws...SELFISHNESS. We have to start practising self-control and accumulating self-worth. It may take time but when results begin to show then we'd all have something to be proud of.
I read recently in the papers, top scholars or A-grade Singaporeans being photographed overseas going absolutely crazy with drugs, clubs and fornication. The saddest part of what I heard was that they get away with it because "at least they bring home the results." My heart sank. Frankly, although if I was a parent, I would love my child to be good at his/her studies, but if you are the best just by being the worst, what is the point of that? Call me idealistic, and I know these kids are having fun, but my goodness have we placed so much value into a sorry piece of paper that we drift away from the ingraining of moral values?
Forget it...I'm very upset...but there are answers I must find.

Loneliness makes Strange a Girl

2005-09-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

See...i don't look like this anymore. I look old and terrible. Lets dedicate this to the days of youth and fun...damn the twenties...no offence to the people hitting 30...haha..I'll get there soon enough...although you'll definitely win the race if you're older. Du-uh.

2005-09-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

ANGEL

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sigh

2005-09-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

Thursday was the second time I went to Tekong. Ugh. For an even sadder reason that dear had to go army. Its some crappy island ten minutes of a boat ride away from Changi Ferry Terminal which was somehow bumpier yesterday. Which was Thursday. I don't know who cried first but I didn't until I got home. Kev's going in today at 345 to School 1...buddy...good luck...because School 1's freaking haunted...*laughter* I dunno...at least they shut the very very old BMTC school down and built two new chalet lookalikes. *sigh* My angel going through hell now...what an irony.
Anyhow feeling a little amiss and aimless now...been getting one-liner messages from dear...hehe I think he's doing it secretly. Taurus company must be one of the more 'shiong' companies because when I told some of my army veteran friends about him going into Taurus, they were like...holy shit dude! Taurus is really shiong manz!
Okay, Tekong runs on a damn generator. No mobile phone chargers, because thousands of boys will be charging their phones and the generator will overrun its limit and .......*well what's new, commander* Oh, and at the auditorium I met Raymond. He's third seargent now, probably going to ORD in a matter of what...2 weeks inclusive of him clearing his leave? *sigh* You're damn lucky. 2 years in the army has seeped enough life out of you.
Dear was happy to see that his block was near the canteen...actually one of the NEAREST in fact. But you know what? He might just lose 20 bucks to Boon. No way anyone could stay fat or get fatter in PTP, let alone BMT. Home was rather quiet...nobody had nothing to talk about so I went back into the room and cried till my eyes nearly exploded. I guess this is something I have to get used to. I hate chicks who tell me having a boyfriend while he's in the army is hard. Pampered bitches. Sure you miss your boy and all that but think of..well..say the filipino maids we have here. They don't even GET to see their loved ones until years later. And they still go back and some maintain that relationship and get married. Its just army. Just cry, but don't break up because you want some attention or someone to wipe up after you. That's a dumb reason to leave him. He's going through hell already and the last thing he needs is some damn girl back home getting pissed with a schedule he has absolutely no control over. Its hard, but it isn't something to whine everyday about is it.
Ah...the swirl of mixed emotions hits again...Maybe I suffer from many split personalities because of this damn intense emotions...
Darling, I miss you very much and I know you will make something out of yourself in the army. I shall await with utmost patience till you return and paint your room in the meantime. I pray hard for you and I know you'll be watched over and taken care of. Keep the cross close to you. I'm sure it would bring you much protection. :) Counting down the days till you book out......*sigh*.........

Impotence

2005-09-05T04:49:00.000-07:00

It has been one sporadic burst of energy after another...negativity flowing through the mind like a vicious plague...the entire irony of it all is that this happens in the heart of happiness. How that could ever occur, I still cannot fathom. But as such, being surrounded by people that are either too nice or too fake, too loud or too quiet...and a ruthless heart, what else can you expect?
Fear consumes an individual like an angry tidal wave. One fell swoop and everything disappears. Your mind is shaken, because your body is violently awoken to slaps from the real world. You are being challenged, as everyone else is, to conquer another vile germ that threatens to destroy your self-created and pristine world. Those who fail fall into the throngs of utter depression and feel devalued; a rapid reduction in self-worth...wanton. Void. Lost. Those who are lost can't hide it, no matter how confident they sound. They'll look lost.
Chastity matters to those who lose it fast and easily. Not their chastity, of course. Their partner's chastity. Human nature is such that it won't hurt if you're the heart-breaker, the insensitive clod who indirectly turned your bright ex partner into a drunk, high-school drop-out, you won't feel a thing because everything never fell into your disadvantage. But mark my words, karma has the quickest ways of catching up and giving you the windfall of retribution you rightfully deserve. And right under your nose too.
God once said : " You are my children. You all have a right to be here. Go forth and bring joy to the world and spread the good news." Okay. Firstly, WHAT good news is there? What's happening around the world is getting worse. Excluding the common charismatic's answer of "There IS good news! Look at the flowers! Isn't it good news that they're blooming? Isn't it good news that we are alive? God is our every breath!"Blah blah blah. That's just the surface. To clear the air, we live to die, it seems. I wonder how many people decided to become suicide bombers when they grow up. Which is quite funny because most of them never really grew up.
Secondly, WHAT happiness? Come on parents, its your turn; tell us how much JOY your child brings you. Yeap, at first it does, of course, because mothers will go griping about how many hours they spend in labour and 'the baby in my stomach better be alive and healthy after all I went through.' This better not be the case, although I must say, unfortunately, it is for most women.
Ah well...here I go...well I better run...I will be back to denounce the dignity of the world (if it has any) in a bit....stay tuned....

Spasms

**New Solutions Work Old Problems**

**And So The Wind Blows...**

**Sins and Sonnets**

**BrainBanger**

**Goddamnit.**

*Decide...Deicide..Diecide...*

Your Love Factor is 80%

*Saints and Devils*

*Vengeful Sorrows, Hellish Dreams*

*Good Stuff*

*Infinite Lethargy*

*The Mistaken*

*The Ailment To A Broken Soul*

*Si Traeh Eht Erehw Si Emoh*

**Phew**

**Thoughts III**

*Thoughts II*

**WOooooOOOOOoo**

**SchMellos**

*GOD!!!*

*Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts...*

**Ultimatum**

** :)**

*Gratefulness*

**Changes**