**New Solutions Work Old Problems**

Call me dysfunctional, call me unstable, narcissistic, rebellious; take your pick . I'm not really listening to you. Two years ago I began some impossible quest to try to find ways to make the world a better place. However, during the time I tried to find fault with the entire world after much self- reflection on myself first, idealistic crabs like me should realise the world's going down into hell and there's not a thing I can do about it.
Recently I read in the papers about schoolgirls sleeping around (they call it 'freelance'), in order to get money to satisfy their materialistic needs, probably to buy things their parents either can't afford, or won't buy for them. Its so damn clear that money will be the next God, and the economy becomes our future religion. Its pretty simple. It gets us what we want directly and instantly, which is what causes satisfaction.
Anyhow, if any of you girls are reading this, don't take what I say to heart, I know you're only fulfilling some mindless needs spurred by your stupidity and adolescent nature. I just had an initial shock because I never knew anyone would get that desperate, that young. Oh well, nothing new anymore, worse shit is happening.
So what changed us?? What made us value money so much as our ONLY source to get what we want in life? Bloody image issues. That's what. To the people at www.campaignforrealbeauty.com, don't waste your time. You don't really think that people actually are going to feel better long-term are you? The website is just an escape route for them. You're never really going to reach into the deepest part of their insecurity because basically you're providing them instant escape. Its a short-term relief, not long-term assurance. Besides, when they finally go back into the real world, people are STILL going to give them shit for the way they look or whatever flaws they have. But is it really an ISSUE in the first place? Who gives a shit about perfect skin and perfect hair and perfect bodies? In the end, they all go. So to all insecure people, don't waste your time fretting. No point. In the end, those sickly thin models will get skinnier and eventually die of malnutrition. If that helps, because it seems to be what the men look for.
Ah fuck it its a bloody public holiday and I was working this afternoon. Believe that. Hehe. Cheers.

**And So The Wind Blows...**

I reckon in a few days' time I'm about to go nuts with this whole unecessary business of jealousy, or whatever you want to call it. Childish, extremely. Babie says it shouldn't affect me, although it does for some reason I can't really put my finger on. Which is strange enough. But I will be strong. I have to be. Its not everyday my babie can put up with my attitude regarding this matter.
I think she's not even any good compared to me. (you realise i'm trying to convince myself.) But its kind of true, owing to her rather bimbotic and carefree personality, she could never reach my level of existence. Besides, I know it so well because I used to live my life just like that.
Anyhow, enough of useless talk, now to look forward to our future...Jade Liang Yan Zi...heehee... :p Nice name...Well to me its nice...babie thought it was lovely too :) If its a boy, he'll be Randall Liang Zhi Yi...I'm so excited!! :p Can't wait for that day to come!! And 7 more months!!!! R.O.M...It is meant to be...after 7 years of barely talking somehow we just ended up back together...away from our past. Nobody matters to me except you babie...no other guy in this world will ever be better than you because you are the best leng zhai...*mwah* Stay safe in field camp and see you soon okay? :)
Office is warm for some reason though its pouring outside... :/ I brought a sweater for nothing...but the damn sweater's for winter so I guess there never was any reason to lug it along. However, I find the air-con in this office so damn pernicious...the cold creeps up when you least expect it....maybe more like insiduous...then you freeze your arse off and curse. However, when you're clothed up it just so happens to acclimatise to the complete opposite of what you're dressed for.
Babie I swear I won't be so hateful or violent anymore...all I have to do is surround myself with good things...and good people... :)

**Sins and Sonnets**

Play. Play with the monstrocities of life. Aka Humans. We are freaked out by ourselves. Shivering, we search for cover from our own enemies. OURSELVES. One man's meat is another man's poison. So speaking in terms of love. The curse that we are left to live out, whatever way we choose to, for the rest of our sad sorry lives. We churn in anger, hatred, selfishness, narcissism; and so the vicious cycle begins.
We cause our own destructions, our own pornography we deem as inappropriate, but we do it everyday. We deface fame, but we secretly desire it. Then regret it. Desire leads to regret. Regret leads to the only conversation a person has before he dies.
We write poems of lost love and suicidal dreams. Why dream when you can make it happen. The world has lost its colour. Beneath the facade of power suits, ferraris and six zeros, lies an array of dark, broken dreams. The ones who didn't make it. The ones who didn't try. The ones who gave up halfway because they just couldn't handle the shock of reality. How cruel we are.


Darkness engulfs the world in its graces. We'd be dead if not for God's mercy. If there is a God. Atheists are equally entitled to their own opinion, as dumb as it may be. Usually it is dumb. To me, they're just a bunch of people using their anti-God lifestyle as an excuse to be assholes. But time will tell when the world starts to bite itself on the tail.

**BrainBanger**

I crawl into that little space, to grasp that breath of air;
I run into that dark place, in hope that you are there.
I scream inside my heart till its windows burst,
I take this journey tho' nothing will quench my thirst.

Seethering into this lonely heart,
Is a passion that has been made dark;
GET OUT YOU DEMONS OF IMPURITY.
I receive all who encourage chastity.

Kill me. I AM WILLING TO JUMP.

**Goddamnit.**

Do you actually know everytime our anniversary comes about, I dread it. Its not because I don't want to talk about it or fake that I'm over all that stuff. Please. It would be a miracle if I could stop associating things with that shit in the first place. Dr Lam says the past few months have been utter hell, one shit after the other, I don't have enough time to recuperate so I have enough energy and strength for the next one. I didn't believe him, thought it was some psychological horseshit. But in time, I realised he was right. Nobody's superhuman. Different people respond differently to different things.
Anyhow, thankfully I got my life sort of back on track...just went for the interview at the Police H.Q...the first word that came out of my mouth when I saw the place was "fwah". I was dumbfounded, staring at the immense most intimidating structure. Awe-struck. "I'm going into THERE to do WHAT?" Was the next question.I had a ciggy, and for that particular few moments of puffing my life away, I began to question why was I there in the first place. "You can back out now, shan. Quick. Stay, or walk away. There's no middle of the fence here." I went. Amazingly it was really okay. Sure, there was a sort of half hour of waiting and boredom, but every practice in there was new to me. Then there was this part about choosing what you prefer, like T.P, or PCG, or K-9...I opted for K-9. Totally up for shi tzus and chihuahuas. *right* I might get into the academy next year because they're shifting to CCK, so perhaps after I send my angel off I can hitch a ride from mum. Best part is, I get to learn driving too. :P SWEEET!
Right...a rather feeble attempt at trying to get my mind off the subject....really tempted to take the car out for a spin...ease my minId a little...but I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risk...I dunno...its safer here. Besides, angel would be pissed if I took the car out and its like...hey we're back to square 1. Its not that the anniversary date is super important...but I really HATE sharing....I really cannot forgive myself for being stupid enough to choose the 22nd...nobody told me...at least it wouldn't hurt so bad if someone said something...About the stuff toys and all that shit too...woudn't have hurt so much...*BTW don't feel too proud you shit if you're reading this...fucking bimbo.* I'm just angry, more frustrated I guess. I really try to control it, but its over the top...sometimes it needs to be released...but how? Definitely not venting it on anyone. I swear I try to be kind and all...but at times I wish you wouldn't take me like some superbeing...and know that you're at fault as well...although I never have the heart to blame you, much less tell it to your face...please realise this...if you haven't I hope you do...I need you to see me, angel. SEE me. Not hear, but listen...when I'm invisible..like how I see you...would be nice I guess.
I have to stop thinking about death, or subconsciously I might find myself committing suicide....I don't know...Angel, I don't mean to sound too dramatic, but everything still HURTS LIKE HELL. I need proper closure...and the way you spoke to her....still haunts me...haunts me like crazy....plus the nightmares of my boys....the crying and the screaming and the pain....
Then again, its my own fight, from another perspective. How things turn out depends on how I choose to handle certain situations....but th thing is now I have absolutely NO solution at this point. None whatsover. Blocking it at the back of my mind will NOT help. NOT AT ALL. It will only require ONE cue to bring everything back. Why do you think I'm so vulgar, so angry...? At times? Why am I so hateful? *tears* Goth kids rock. We show pain the way its never been shown before. Fuck it, going for a drive.

*Decide...Deicide..Diecide...*

Come hither, my love, as we venture forth,
Walk quickly, but gently, as I show you pure waters..
Woe will be mine if thou hast not seen the sun shine;

Fly higher, my sweet, as we glide among the stars,
Fall softly, but surely, onto the cotton clouds,
As we journey upon some treacherous path called LOVE;

Lies and deceit, all years of wrong are gone,
The agony of betrayal, eternally forlorn,
Consecrate us now, look forth to a new beginning;

Everyday is but a start, every minute legendary,
Shall we seek out the purest emotion only thought imaginary?
With hope we will discover so.

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What Element Are You?

Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy

Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room!

How Sexy Is Your Vibe?

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

Your Love Factor is 80% You Are Totally In Love! This is it, the real thing. You are completely in love with your man. And he's probably completely in love with you too. Sit back and relax - you made it! How In Love Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

*Saints and Devils*

Throw away the keys of shame,
Step into the mirror frame;
Conjure not the past despair,
Les thy depression takes thee there;

Open up thy heart and mind,
If thou seeketh thou shalt find;
Infinite surreality,
In the face of immorality;

Stringent in the moral phase,
Careful of thy face disgraced;
Heed the warnings of your heart,
Lest the conformation start;

Hold dear what you believe is true,
Play not with what is dark and blue;
Hold on with amiable disposition,
Question not your own requisition.

*Vengeful Sorrows, Hellish Dreams*

Selfish natured narcissistic fools,
Stay to their self-centeredness true;
Gone in a flash when trouble arises,
Linger when love, with incentives comprises;
Condemned to live in eternal want,
So has the vicious cycle begun;
The urge to euphemise what falseness this holds,
To weaken the strong, to shatter the bold;

How will I get around this animosity?
Off the beaten path, how will the world see me?
Some say idealistic, some say unfair;
That I saw the trap to the Devil's lair...

I miss you! My heart aches with every breath,
Wherever you are, I feel your every pain and joy;
I love you tirelessly, and even more after death;
Innocence quietly seeps into my heart ...
Darkness overwhelms when we are apart...
Hold me close...

*Good Stuff*

Hehe...I found this by chance on the forums...check this out...wicked shite..

--> Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife .................................................................................................................................................................... Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the TOTO for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

*Infinite Lethargy*

So softly, you stroke my hair,
So gently, you stare;
So subtle, your touch,
So intense, so much.

So pristine, is your heart,
So near, yet so far apart,
So happy, yet so sad,
So sane, yet so mad;

So loyal, yet so free,
So blind, yet I see;
So tired, but I run,
So finished, but just begun;

So old, yet so young,
So hoarse, but my song is sung;
So weak, but yet standing strong,
So destroyed, I don't belong.

As the sun hits the sea,
Open your eyes and you'll see me,
Overtly passive, insanely pure,
Loveth thee forevermore.